You Don't Want To Live Here
by EmilyArtypants
Summary: Hello! Emily here, bringing you the craziest, most disturbing stories I am willing to publish. Read at your own risk.
1. Chapter 1

I live on a really weird server. I try to avoid the weirdness, but good lord, it's everywhere… Anyway, where should I start? How about the time I was sacrificed to a cactus?

I mined along, wondering whether Jason (The guy who runs the server) was going to get around to banning somebody soon, when I hit a wall of sand. I figured it was a desert, so I mined a staircase up to the surface to figure out where I was.

The sand was a square, twenty blocks by twenty blocks, in the middle of a plains biome. Naturally, I thought this was strange, so I dug a layer of sand away. Underneath it was a layer of sandstone, like someone was using it to hold the sand up. I dug away one block, and then someone in the open space underneath screamed "Heretic!"

The block I was standing on disappeared, and I fell six or eight blocks into the room below. There were maybe twenty people there, wearing these weird sand-coloured hooded robes, all arranged in a circle. They appeared to be worshipping a… a cactus…

When I landed there, the nearest people jumped on me. When they hit me with their hands, I felt cactus needles. A few minutes later, when they had me tied up, I saw why; each of them, every single one, had pads of cactus tied to the palms of their hands. And that stuff is not one-sided.

I was lying on my back, my hands tied behind me and my feet tied together, and I could see the robed people coming to cluster around me. One of them, a tall person with dark green around the edges of his sleeves, pulled their hood back. It was a white guy with a high forehead and red eyes, and he looked at me and said; "You have violated the temple of the Cactus. You must die."

I struggled. "Alright, Ky, you can say 'April Fools' now…" I said, hoping that this was one of Ky's weird practical jokes. He's pulled some pretty outlandish ones in the past, occasionally on me, but this was pretty bad even by his standards.

"Sacrilege!" Shouted one of the people, and the others, including the guy who said I had to die, echoed it. They lifted me upright, and the cactus needles bit into my skin. Then, all of them but the hoodless guy and one other ran off and broke all the torches. They then took up positions around the room, the only light now coming from fires they lit in holes in the wall.

The hoodless guy pulled his hood back on, and they dragged me towards the cactus in the center of the room. I struggled, because they were planning something involving me and that cactus, and really I didn't want to be a part of it.

They stopped when the cactus was right in front of us, and they turned me around. The previously-hoodless guy asked, in a low voice, "Any last words, heretic?" I was struggling even harder now. "Gyaah…." I said, because anything else was really beyond my ability at the time.

"Very well." He said, and they untied my hands from each other. There was still rope around my hands, and they pulled my arms to the sides so that I was standing in a weird t-shape. Then the people standing on the outer edge of the room began to hum, and that creepy tune was just about to make me scream when they tied the ropes attached to my hands around the cactus.

They started this loud chant thing as the cactus needles bit into my back, and they gave one final shout as I took the last heart of damage nearly half a minute later.

I respawned in Jason's library. Bookshelves lined the walls, and Jason himself was seated at a desk, doing some sort of paperwork. He looked up at me, then he looked back at his paperwork, pushing his glasses up his nose.

"The Cactus Cult, eh?" He asked. "Uh." I said. I walked across the carpet towards the door, then I paused. "Uh, Jason, do you…" Jason didn't look up. "Have anything on the Cactus Cult? Yes. Green volume. Second shelf from the top. C-D section."

I walked to the indicated shelf and pulled the book off. I flipped through it. "They believe that their Holy Cactus is at the center of the universe?" "Mm hm." I flipped through it again. "The cactus on their hands is a sign of their devotion? I thought they were blipping masochists…"

I put Jason's book back. Then I left. I was hoping that this would be the last creepy adventure that happened, but I knew that it was not over.


	2. Chapter 2

I met a girl who ate nothing but invisible (to me) butterflies and magic mushrooms. Then she got me to try some and I'm still not sure whether it was all real.

I was going outside to harvest my most recent crop. In a decent world, I should be able to do that without encountering weird people or magic mushrooms or having anyone get over my four block high fence. I do not live in a decent world.

There was a girl sitting in my carrot patch. She was sitting cross-legged, and she was smiling in a creepy distant way. Her hair and her eyes were both blue, and she seemed to be watching something invisible flying in front of her face.

"Hey, you're kind of sitting in my carrots…" I said, walking over to her. She looked up in a dreamy kind of way. "I'm glad you're here now." She said. "They're flying all over but I can't catch them." I stared at her. She smiled. "Sit. You must be hungry, too."

"Uh…" I said, and somehow I ended up sitting, cross-legged just like the girl, facing her across a few more squashed carrots. Really, I should have run. The girl was creeping me out, making like she was trying to catch invisible butterflies and looking all dreamy.

She delicately closed a fist over thin air. "I got one." She said. "There should be enough for both of us." She made like she was tearing the invisible butterfly in half, and she popped one invisible half into her mouth, handing the other one to me.

She smiled. "Don't you like them? They feel like moonlight…" Then, still smiling, she pulled something out of one of her pockets. It was a handful of… of… Once I put a bunch of brown mushrooms in a blender. This looked like that, only dried and powdered.

The powder was sticking to her hand, and she licked it off, smiling in an even more dreamy way with every tonguefull of brown powder she swallowed. Then she stuck her hand back in her pocket and pulled out another hand-covering of the powder.

"You should have some." She said. "It makes you see pretty lights." Then she turned her head to the side as if she was watching something go by. "Uh, no thanks." I said. She turned her face back to me, looking slightly curious. "But you're my friend." She said, holding her hand out again. "I want you to have some."

"No thanks." I said, more definitely now. The girl uncrossed her legs and crawled closer to me on her hands and knees, holding the powdered hand closer to my face. "Really, try it." She said, and I scrambled backwards as she crawled towards me, still holding her hand out and insisting I should try it.

Then I backed into my wall, and before I could do anything, she'd wiped a bunch of the powder off on my tongue. The world dissolved into brightly coloured butterflies, and a purple one flew at my face right before I blacked out.

I woke up lying on the carpet in Jason's library. Jason was standing over me, looking concerned. "Magic mushrooms? Really?" He asked. I sat up, blinking away the pink spots. "Magic mushrooms?" I asked. "Yeah." Jason said. "You're not turning into a druggie, are you?"

"Uh… there was this girl…" I said. Jason looked at me worriedly. "Are you… are you hallucinating?" He asked. "Were you?"

I'm still not sure. I know I wouldn't take that stuff voluntarily, but how the hell did the mushroom girl get over my fence?


End file.
